Keeping Up Appearances vs. Self-Improvement

Have you ever wondered what kinds of masks you wear, and how many of them you put on every day? Have you ever wondered who you really are?

Do you want to know?

If you hesitate, you're not the only one. I suspect that a lot of us are scared of the idea because we sense an unpleasant facet of ourselves lurking under the masks. If you're a Star Wars fan, you could call it the “dark side”. Freud might call it the id. LDS folks know it as the “natural man/woman”, as opposed to the saint or spiritual man/woman. (These different terms for the not-so-good side don't necessarily correspond exactly -- but hopefully you get the picture.) We're afraid of discovering and confronting it. At least I know I am. But the purpose of this is not to get down on ourselves. The point is, if we know what our flaws are, we can fix them. If we don't, they'll eventually get us and those we love into trouble, if they haven't already.

I realize that some of us are already keenly aware of some of our vices, or even imagine some we don't have. So searching ourselves is also useful for discovering our virtues.

Afraid of that, too?

Why? For one thing, it makes you responsible to put those virtues to use, to acknowledge that you have power to change your own life and others' lives for good.

I've included a couple of lists to illustrate my point about the importance of self-knowlege. I only include fictional/mythical characters because I can't say whether a real person besides myself has come to know him or herself. And most likely, it's a lifetime process for us real people. If we're paying attention, we can keep finding out new things about ourselves. With recent changes in my life, and with the help of a Shakespeare class and some scripture reading, I have come to see things about myself that surprise me, both good and not so good. And I'm sure there's much more for me to find out and myself. Anyway, here are the lists.

Characters who came to know themselves and benefited from it:

• Yoda (see the final episodes of the TV series Star Wars: The Clone Wars) In order to get to the point where he could manifest his consciousness after death, he had to acknowledge and defeat his dark side (which was like a cross between Gollum and Yoda).
• Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett. Both came to recognize and overcome their pride and prejudice.
• Prince Hal (from Shakespeare's Henry IV Part I and Part II.) Interestingly, he intentionally put up a front that blackened his public character. This, he hoped, would make his true character shine brighter when he revealed it.
• Titania and the Athenian Youths of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Under the influence of the love juice, they blindly fell prey to unnatural, exaggerated passions. They forgot who they were and who their true loves were. After the antidote was applied, they woke to “see as [they] were wont to see” and “be as [they] were wont to be”. This enabled them to reconcile with their loves.

Those who got acquainted with themselves too late, refused to, or had no idea they needed to:

• Oedipus. His problem wasn't so much that he was ignorant of his true parentage. What led to his downfall was his quick temper and blind determination.
• Angelo (from Shakespeare's Measure for Measure. He also goes under my list of Shakespearean jerk faces.) He had a public reputation for strict virtue and relied on that rather than bothering to look into his own heart. When at last a weakness jumped to the surface, he was unprepared to defend himself against it. He knew no alternative but to give into it completely.
• Othello. He was ignorant of his propensity for jealousy. The green-eyed monster took over without resistance. Blind to his own fault, Othello could only see wrong in the innocent Desdemona.
• Lord Denethor. He believed he was strong enough to use the palantir without getting corrupted. But Sauron used it to discover and exploit his weakness, convincing him that there was no hope. Even in despair, Denethor still thought he was wise.
• Anakin Skywalker. He was repeatedly warned against fear, anger, and hatred, but he let them steer his course to the dark side.
• Hyacinth Bucket (from the TV series Keeping Up Appearances). She dedicated her life to impressing her neighbors, but always ended up embarrassing herself (and poor Richard, her husband).

I've only described a few examples. If you can think of other characters who fit in these lists, feel free to comment below.

If nothing else, discovering and acknowledging who you are can take a burden off your shoulders. If you understand yourself, you don't have to depend upon others' perceptions of you. It's unwise and exhausting to worry about what they think. You can't always know their view of you, and it is often skewed -- or incomplete at best. It's also tiring to keep up a front all the time. That front gets heavier when you feel someone is attacking it and that you have to defend it. Then when someone who has trusted your mask finds out it's fake and that they don't really know you, you're really in a miserable pickle.

This doesn't mean you have to tell all your secrets to the world, but don't hide them from those you want to build a close relationship with. If you want someone to love and admire you, then be you. (I can hear playing in the background of my mind “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. They should really play that song at all the church dances for single adults.) My dad always counseled me to only date guys who talk the same way over the pulpit as they do in everyday situations. I'm also training myself to be just as genuine as I would want my potential sweetheart to be. 

Sometimes I encounter a cognitive dissonance associated with this. For instance, I have occasional gloomy days when I'd rather hide and have a good cry than deal with people. On those days, I act more cheerful than I feel around people I don't know, like customers at work or random people at the store. I automatically say that I'm doing good when they ask, “How are you?” (Why on earth is that the standard greeting if we always expect the same answer?) If I told them how I really felt, they might be uncomfortable. Yes, it's always good to be civil and kind (even if you're not feeling chipper), but it's also important to be honest about your feelings and not bottle them up. Perhaps, the way our culture is set up, we just have to reserve that honesty for the people we are close to. But even when I have to hide my gloominess, I bring out other things that make me who I am, especially my sense of humor.

I have one more important point to reiterate and expound upon before signing off. Self-knowledge is necessary for self-improvement. It is useless if all you do is say, “I am what I am” and use that as an excuse to give into weaknesses and slide down a miry path like Angelo did. Use self-knowledge to move onward and upward. And be patient with yourself. Success comes out of little steps and lots of recoveries from failure. You don't have to do it on your own, either.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)

When I see things that I don't like about myself, it hurts. I have a few in mind, I won't go into detail now; these things are personal. But recognizing them gives me a chance to bring it before the Lord and let him help me turn it into a strength. Then I can let go of guilt and move on. I can be myself. Through Christ, that self can grow. If I let him, Christ is my light and life.